On this site, your first private message to a stranger is a message request. The other person accepts it, ignores it, or replies to it, and a reply accepts it. Until that moment, you cannot write a second message and you cannot send images.
Steps for the sender
- In a room, tap the username of the person.
- Tap "Message". A private conversation opens.
- Write one message and send it. This message is your request.
- Wait. The text box locks and shows "Waiting for (name) to reply."
- If the person accepts or replies, the conversation opens for both of you. From then on, you can write freely and send images.
What the sender sees
You see your own first message and the waiting notice. You do not see if the other person read it. You do not get a notice if the person ignores it.
An ignored request looks the same to you as a request that waits. The site works this way on purpose. A person can say no without a confrontation, and the sender does not get a reason to argue. If no reply comes, move on.
Steps for the receiver
- A message request appears in your conversation list. You can read the first message.
- Choose one of three actions:
- Tap Accept. The conversation opens.
- Write a reply. A reply accepts the request.
- Tap Ignore. The request goes away, and the sender gets no notice.
- If you do nothing, the request waits. The sender cannot write again in that time.
The sender can send you one text message and no images before you accept. As a result, a stranger cannot put an image in front of you without your yes.
The limits, with exact numbers
The site limits how many new conversations one person can start. The numbers are:
- 5 new conversations in 10 minutes. After the fifth, you wait before you can start one more.
- 10 unanswered requests at one time. When 10 of your requests wait for a reply, you cannot send a new request.
- The same opening line to more than 3 people in 10 minutes pauses new conversations for 10 minutes. The site shows a notice when this occurs.
These limits apply only to new conversations. They do not limit messages in a conversation that is open, or messages in public rooms.
The two settings
Open the menu in the chat to find two privacy settings.
Who can message me
- Everyone. Any user can send you a message request. This is the usual choice.
- People I message first. Strangers cannot send you requests. A private conversation starts only when you send the first message.
- Nobody. Nobody can start a private conversation with you.
You can change this setting at any time.
Mention alerts
A mention is when someone writes your name in a room. This setting controls whose mentions give you an alert: everyone, people that you talked to before, or nobody.
Ignore a user
Ignore is different from the Ignore button on a request. It applies to a user, not to one request.
Tap a username and choose Ignore. You then do not see messages from that user. To undo it, tap the username again and choose "Stop ignoring".
If a user harassed or threatened you, also choose Report. A moderator gets the report with the last 20 messages for context. The guide on how moderation works explains what occurs next.
Images in private messages
Images work in a private conversation only after the request is accepted. Before that, the image button is off, and the site shows "You can send images after (name) replies."
After that, the usual image rules apply:
- Each image can be up to 8 MB.
- The site checks every image automatically before the other person sees it.
- Images are deleted after 24 hours.
- You can tap an image and choose "Report image".
Ask before you send an image, also in an open conversation. The image sharing rules and the guide on sexting etiquette and consent explain why.
How long private messages last
Private message history lasts 24 hours. The site stores the first line of a request until the request is answered or cleared. It also stores messages that are part of a report.
Why the site works this way
Open private messages are the main tool for spam in chat rooms. One person or one bot can send the same line, link or image to every name in the list.
The request system stops that flood in three ways:
- One message per stranger means that a spammer cannot continue to push.
- No images before a yes means that nobody gets a surprise image.
- The limits on speed and on copied lines make mass messages slow and easy to find.
Tips for a first line that gets accepted
You have one message. These habits help:
- Talk in the room first. A request from a known name is more welcome than a request from a stranger. Ask in public: "Can I message you?"
- Say who you are. "Hi, it is Jay from the adult chat room. We talked about travel."
- Refer to something that the person said. It proves that you are not a bot.
- End with an easy question. "Where did that trip end?" is easier to answer than "hi".
- Stay mild. A graphic first line from a stranger usually gets Ignore.
Do not put an off-site name or a request to move to another app in your first line. For more examples, read how to start a conversation in a chat room. The adult chat room is a good place to meet people before you send a request.
Questions
Can the sender see that I ignored a message request?
No. An ignored request looks the same to the sender as a request that still waits. The sender gets no notice, and cannot send a second message.
Why can I not send a second private message?
Your first message to a stranger is a request. The text box stays locked until the other person accepts the request or replies. If no reply comes, the person did not accept, and you cannot write again in that conversation.
How many message requests can I send?
You can start 5 new conversations in 10 minutes, and you can have 10 unanswered requests at one time. If you send the same opening line to more than 3 people in 10 minutes, new conversations pause for 10 minutes.
How do I stop all private messages?
Open the menu in the chat and find "Who can message me". Select "Nobody" to stop all new private conversations, or "People I message first" to stop requests from strangers. You can also use Ignore on one user.